Been struggling with depression, anxiety as long as I can remember. I don’t fully understand the reasons for this. It seems I just haven’t learned sufficient coping skills to deal with my everchanging moods.

I’ve been in therapy on/off in recent years and even experimented with some medications which have been prescribed to no success. I’ve received a few diagnoses from the “experts” who want to put me in a box (depression, bipolar, etc). On top of that I’ve been self-medicating with all kinds of substances, diets, methods, self-help programs, spiritual ways, etc. You name it.

My main coping strategy has of course been music which I have managed to make a career out of. It pays the bills. Just barely… I’m always at a knife’s edge when it comes to rent, groceries, etc. But music does also satisfy some primal urge in me so it can be very rewarding also. And at least I don’t have to work a stupid day job for some asshole.

But the dark moods seemingly come out of nowhere. Today is one of those days. Nothing helps. I just have to wait it out. It’s a terrible feeling. Like I am drowning, suffocating, falling and being tortured and I can’t breathe properly, no appetite. I’m exhausted but can’t sleep because there is so much noise in my head. I don’t want to do anything so I just lay around in bed all day.

Doing stuff involves making decisions and I am unable to when in this state. And I look at my life through this filter which makes existence itself feel like a cruel joke. Lots of my songs are about this because I often find slight solace in writing. I know that many philosophers and artists have grippled with these same issues so it’s nothing new.

Lately i’ve been seeing a therapist again and tomorrow morning is my next session. I just hope this goes away so I can get back to work (I cancelled all recording sessions for the next few days). Or maybe my body is trying to tell me something. Maybe this is just the way that I ultimately find direction, wherever it may lead.

The problem is that life is so complex that it’s impossible to decipher what it is that I’m supposed to do because i’ve tried so many different ways. Could it be something much deeper?

Maybe I just have to quit everything and move to another galaxy. Or kill myself. I don’t know. I just want to make my album, make music, love my girlfriend, have some success, be fairly healthy without sacrificing too much of my pleasures. Is that too much to ask for? Can’t the gods just leave me the fuck alone? Or is my plight something that goes back to the garden of eden?

Maybe I’m the new jesus, I just don’t know it. I don’t know anything when I’m in this shitty hellish state where every single word and breath and moment feels like total bullshit.

I’m listening to music, drinking beer, gonna go smoke a cigarette. Tomorrow I’m gonna try recording at home. Alone. I need a different approach.

Bye.